Sunday, July 18, 2010

I'm An Environmentalist

First of all, I would like to apologize for my two week hiatus from this blog; it can be quite difficult to get a signal from in here. I would like to say that not much has changed, but there have been some significant changes over the last two weeks which require my attention. Although I am attempting to maintain a healthy diet, the gallons of ice cream the woman, to whom I am connected and henceforth will refer to as mother, eats every night has brought on a layer of unneeded and unwanted fat. My only recourse is to kick her, which she strangely seems to enjoy; she often calls the loud man, henceforth known as father, over to mock me. Still if I apply pressure at the right area, I can send mother to the bathroom quite abruptly; I am able to accomplish this feat at least ten times a day, and several more times during the night.

Most of my day is still spent playing with my umbilical cord, kicking mother, rolling around, and surfing the internet. Despite having made no changes to the fortress, it continues to shrink. It is because of this that I am starting to think that this world may not be habitable forever. I will continue to study my habitat and how my existence affects it. It is quite possible that the ice cream I am often fed may be having an adverse effect on the environment. According to mother, it is affecting her physical appearance, but father seems to think that is “crazy talk.” I must discover the cause of these changes or I am surely doomed. My survival depends on either saving the planet, or finding a new one in which to live.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Fortress of Solitude

I think it would be prudent to explain to you that if you are reading this blog to learn some life lesson, you are reading the wrong narrative. You see, my tale is short, for I have not yet been born; it should be noted it was not that long ago that I actually had a tail. In reality, I do not know where I am, how I got here, or what the purpose is of these rapid physical changes I have been experiencing. As far as I can deduce, I have been in this Fortress of Solitude for almost 26 weeks. All I have to occupy my time is this feeding tube, which feeds right into my mid-section, rolling around my kingdom, of which I am the only citizen, kicking the cushy walls, writing on this laptop, and listening to a woman and an very loud man speak from a mythical outside world. From what I can gather, these people are my parents, but I must say they are not doing a very good job of parenting. The woman, who is soft spoken, although she clearly is in charge of this entire operation, seems to be my intellectual equal. The man is very loud, and often seems to make no sense. Based on my observations, I would say he is my intellectual inferior. He seems to spend a lot of time apologizing to the woman, talking about everything and anything, and generally keeping me up most of the time. The woman seems to blame me for a great amount of woes, "this baby is making me fat, I am hungry because of the baby, I am hot because of the baby, my back hurts because of the baby, etc." It seriously goes on and on, and the complaints are usually followed by an apology from the previously mentioned male. Still, life is peaceful in here. I have plenty of room, plenty of time to myself, and I do enjoy those people on the outside. I hope I never leave this place.